i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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