my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
