): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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