and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Sober January is a disaster.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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