I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
