Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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