Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
