I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
