remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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