He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
