Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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