I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
