Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize