I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
