She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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