he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
