where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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