i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
