Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No subtext here. People are naked.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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