I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
