You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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