We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
