bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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