Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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