So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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