my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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