i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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