So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
