I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
