Don't make out with my wife yet
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
