I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize