You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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