Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
