I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
