I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
