your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
