Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
