im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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