Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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