i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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