I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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