You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
True but thats because hes a fetus.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
