I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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