shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
