I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize