I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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