Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
