highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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