Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He did a backflip because drugs
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
