It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
