i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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