the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
