There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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