when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
