I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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