Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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